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User blog:AmberTempest/It's been a long time in the works, but it's finally here!
One day I was sitting, bored, staring at the recent wiki activity and ignoring whatever experiment Red was preforming (some kind of exploding candy?) when I thought to myself... Why don't the LOTR fans have any sort of list of how to annoy Sauron or someone? Begin the intense internet searching. So here it is! '90 or so Ways to Annoy, Harrass, or Generally Confuse Sauron! Surfire ways to get you thrown out of Mordor or worse! ' #Offer him Visine at inappropriate moments #Mock his choice of becoming an eye. Wouldn't a Mouth or Hand have been easier? #Knock on doors around Mordor late at night and complain you had a bad dream #Train his armies to sing 'The Ants Go Marching One by One' #During secret evil plotting sessions, raise your hand and ask to go to the bathroom in a whiny voice. Squirm a lot if he says no #Tell Sauron "Wormtongue said you're looking fatter" #Tell Wormtongue "Sauron said you're looking fatter" #Then throw a party and force both to sit through it... next to each other #Convince him to to engage in a staring contest with you #Chastise him for talking to people he doesn't know over the palantir. It could be dangerous. #When he tells you he's only been talking to Saruman, mock his choice of friends #Then tell him he's grounded for a month #Politely wonder out loud how such a powerful guy like him was having such trouble catching "one of those adorable little hobbits" #Ask him his opinion on Legolas's outfit and then chatter on about how you'll buy him one just like it after he gets his body back #Ask him if he ever thought of seeing a psychoanalyst #Randomly set out an alert for the Nazgul to hurry back to Mordor. Laugh as they and Sauron bewilderedly try to figure out why they're back #When they finally figure it out, say "I thought you needed a visitor" #Buy him a kitten and act mortally offended when he doesn't want to pet it #When he does decide to pet it, pull it away saying "You can't! You don't have any hands! So THERE!" #Ask him if he flosses. Do so regularly. #During his speeches to his minions, loudly hum patriotic tunes in the background #Make him watch The Princess Bride #Tell him you already read the end of Lord of the Rings and "it may not turn out like you think..." #If ever there should arise a reason for him to say "Doom." you, in the background, say in a horrible sing-song voice "Doom doom doom doom doom!" #Redecorate Barad-dur. Include lots of pastel and potted plants #If he ever reprimands anyone, shout at the person "so nyeah!" and stick your tongue out #Get the Nazgul to play Go Fish with you every evening #Place multiple spotlights around the top of Barad=dur and have them shine in all directions in a slight mockery of how his Eye sweeps around. When he 'confronts' you about it, pout and say you were only trying to help, seeing as he only has one eye... #Buy him mascara. Say that he might as well look pretty with what he has #Cry out "dun dun dun!" during any of his 'evil moments'. Follow this with a wicked laugh, "MWAhahahahah!" #Read him bedtime stories #Force him to come food shopping with you. Loudly ask him if he ran out of gummy vitamins yet #For Christmas, buy him socks #Put a big emphasis on all the jewelry you buy him being silver. State all the time that "gold is soooooo last season" #Play Elton John CDs as loudly as you can, especially at inopportune moments #Make him read fanfics. Really bad ones. #Ask him continually if he wants to set up his own Lord of the Rings fan site #Teach him swear words in foreign languages. If he actually uses them, scold him severely #Offer him ice cream and call him 'sport' whenever the urge strikes you #Make him watch reruns of Pinky and the Brain. Then eventually ask "What are we doing tomorrow night, Brain?" Act upset when he doesn't answer correctly #Read magazines during secret meetings. When he tries to get your attention, look up, bewildered, and say "Hmm?" #Get the Witch King to read Cosmopolitan #Sneak into the stables and braid bows into the manes of the Nazgul's horses. #Once the horses are gone, sneak back into the stable and clip the wings of the winged creatures #When he yells at you, say that that's what they do to parakeets and other winged creatures, and frankly it's much safer. #Ask where he went to school. When he says he didn't, exclaim "How can you expect to rule the world without an education?" #Rell him that Barad=dur clashes with the color of his eye. Offer to paint it. #After he says no, paint it anyway just to show him it was a good idea #When Nazgul's horses die, bring each of them flowers and sniffle loudly #Let him catch you hanging out in Rivendell, talking casually to Elrond #Make him cards all the time. Make sure that they are mostly apologetic and sweetly saying that he is a good friend no matter how bad he is at world leadership #Make him shaped chicken nuggets for dinner every night. #Get him tickets for two to see the Nutcracker on Broadway #Use the palantir to watch soap operas. Make sure it's a really addictive one, and make sure he sees.. #Walk in on him watching the soap opera. Smile knowingly and as if so and so get back together again #Continually ask him how he can hear people, seeing as he has no ears #During these times, repeat "can you hear me now? Good!" as often as possible #Make morning bulletins to his minions over a loudspeaker. Insist on singing the national anthem. #If there is no national anthem, write one yourself. Be sure to include "Saury-kins takes good care of us, we know that with he we shall flyyyyyy!" in a very high pitch #Later, change the words, in case there should ever be a re-election. It just wouldn't be fair to have someone else's name in the anthem, now would it? #Set up a vacation for him at the Lothlorien House of Healing. Say a little therapy would be good for him. #Give the Witch Kings cellphones. Tell Sauron he's not old enough for one yet and smile apologetically #Tell anyone that comes to see him "He's really only tough on the outside..." #Constantly disappear from sight for days at a time and reappear only to say "I was just visiting the Shire!" #Bring him back a souvenir #Teach the head of the Uruk-Hai to crochet #Sneak on the palantir and program it so that the next time it turns on it will only play Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings #Don't tell Sauron how to change the palantir back to normal, no matter how much he threatens you #Get him to read Harry Potter with you #Ask him if he provides a dental plan for his armies. When he says no, ask him if he provides a retirement plan, or some sort of compensation. When he still says no, decide that you yourself will at least make gift bags for his minions #Decide to make bread in the Barad-dur kitchens. Accidentally put in waaaay too much yeast in #Give him summer reading assignments. Include books such as Franklin learns to share. Have him sound out words with more than one syllable #Laugh too loudly at TV shows while he is trying to read #Convince all the Easterlings to join you in Christmas Caroling in front of his his front door. In the summer. #Mildly exclaim that you can't wait to attend Aragorn's coronation. #Plaster Orlando Bloom posters everywhere #Give him a course on etiquette. Begin with a Tea Party as a demonstration. Invite all the Nazgul and have him pour tea and make conversation as politely as possible. Award good behaviour stickers to the partygoers. #Also use stickers to set up an "Employee of the Month"program. Monitor the behaviour of all the orcs and Uruk-hai carefully. Award stickers for creatures with the best behaviour, whoever has the most stickers at the end of the month wins #Stare at him for a long time before saying out loud, "I think your problem is you're just a bit depressed. A therapist could fix that right away." #Explain to him in detail the hilarious new episode of Spongebob Squarepants you just watched. Continually stop to laugh hysterically and then take five minutes to catch your breath before continuing. #Set up a tennis court on Mt. Doom for recreation #But him a plastic backpack with Frodo's smiling picture on it #Explain to him who Saddam Hussein is, and point out parallels between their downfalls and mind problems #Dangle the ring in front of his eye #Ask him to play eye spy. Emphasis on "eye" #When he returns to Mordor as a spirit, tell him he looks paler than usual #Give him the name of a good plastic surgeon #Poke his eye #Run around the base of Barad-dur, shouting "BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER" ....... "bother" #Throw a party and 'forget' to invite him And that is as far as I've gotten! I plan on also making up a list of what NOT to do while watching LOTR, as well as 'how to know if you are obsessed with LOTR', so any ideas would be appreciated. ❦ Amber Meo Colloquio ❧ 18:57, April 27, 2013 (UTC) Category:Blog posts